Home Improvement
by Heera Malhotra
Summary: It's Home Improvement  Artemis Fowl style! With Artemis, Minerva, their three kinds, and Artemis's car technician cousin, what could possibly go wrong?


Remus Fowl slammed the door as he entered Fowl Manor. "Mom! Are you home?"

Minerva Fowl walked into the kitchen. "I'm right here, Remus. What's wrong? Did something happen at school?"

"The problem's not at school, Mom." Remus took the kettle off the stove and poured himself a cup of Earl Grey tea. "Artemis and Apollina are saying that I'm the white sheep of the family."

Minerva raised an eyebrow. "I think you mean 'black sheep', sweetie."

Remus took a sip of his tea and gave her one of his looks. "No, Mom. I mean exactly what I said. Of the three of us, I'm the only one with blond hair and, unlike Artemis and Apollina, I don't have any criminal tendencies."

"Did your sister hack into the government's system again? How many times have I told her not to do that! If she does it one more time, I will consider taking away her tool kit."

"Uh…sure, Mom. Whatever you think is a fitting punishment." Remus coughed, "Torture chamber."

"What was that?" Minerva asked.

"Nothing," he replied quickly. "Nothing at all."

"Anyone home?" Aphrodite Fowl opened the door. "You know, Minerva, you really need to lock your doors. The Butlers may be great bodyguards, but they're not robots and they need their rest just as much as anyone else."

Minerva rolled her eyes. "What did you come for this time, Aphro?"

The tall woman brushed a lock of curly black hair away from her sapphire blue eyes. "For the last time, Minerva, my nickname is Dite. Dite. Not Aphro, not Dee-Dee, not Apdel or whatever you thought it was last time. Just call me Aphrodite, alright? I haven't been called 'Dite' since I was a kid."

She ruffled Remus's hair. "Hey, Rem. What's up?"

"Hello, Aphrodite. I was just telling Mom how Apollina and Artemis think I'm adopted because I'm not a criminal."

Minerva looked upset. "Oh, so she can call you 'Rem' or 'Remy', but if I say it, it's off-limits?"

Remus set down his teacup. "No offense, Mom, but it sounds a lot better when Aphrodite says it." He got up and leaped up the steps to his study.

Aphrodite smiled. "Artemis called me a few minutes ago. He said he needs me to check out the Bentley?"

"Oh, of course. Because there's a car technician in the family, we'll just call Aphrodite and save money." Minerva leaned on the counter. "You know, I'm not even sure Arty realizes you're a woman. Would it kill you to wear a skirt for once? I mean, I always see you either in a casual tank-top and capris or a sweat-suit with grease all over your arms."

"Hmm. Let me think about that. Well, I've always hated dresses and I've never worn a dress, skirt, or frock in my life. I prefer car grease to makeup and no offense, but you couldn't pay me enough to wear a mini-skirt."

"But you've got to settle down. And what guy would propose to you if you were dressed like that? He'll think he's proposing to another man. And then that would just be extremely awkward."

Aphrodite laughed. "Relax, I'm only twenty-eight. You have to find a guy who can catch up with me first. So, where's Artemis?"

"Oh, he's in his room, either doing his homework or designing a new computer program."

"Not Artemis your son, Minerva. I was talking about your husband."

Artemis Fowl the Second walked in from the garage. "Hello, Dite. I have the Bentley all ready for you."

Aphrodite rolled up her sleeves. "Thanks, Arty."

"Please refrain from calling me that. You know I only let my mother call me by my nickname."

"Sure thing. I'll stop calling you Arty when you stop calling me Dite, agreed?" She smiled as she closed the garage door behind her.

"Artemis, I'm worried about Aphrodite." Minerva admitted.

"Why? She's a big girl, Minerva, she can take care of herself."

"But she's only twenty-eight and she's living all alone. What if there's an emergency or a break-in or something of the sort? She'll be completely by herself."

"She likes it that way, Minerva. It was her decision not to have a bodyguard. She's fine, Minerva. I'm going to check the showerhead in Apollina's bathroom; she said the water does not flow properly."

"Alright, Artemis." Minerva opened the fridge and took out a vegetable casserole. Admittedly, she wasn't the world's best cook, but no one had wanted the casserole, and now the vegetables were getting moldy. She emptied the contents of the pot into the garbage disposal and turned it on. Well, maybe she shouldn't have been experimenting with recipes.

_Chuuuuuh! Blugh! _

Minerva stopped and looked back at the garbage disposal. "What in the world…"

"Aaaaahhh!"

Minerva turned and nearly burst out laughing.

Artemis looked down at his ruined shirt. "I think the garbage disposal and the pipes need work, too. And you could have waited until I was done with the showerhead. I turn it on to check the flow of water and instead, I'm hit with a torrent of disgusting vegetables."

Aphrodite emerged from the garage with grease on her arms. "Okay, the Bentley's getting really old and it needs a new engine. I think you should –" She stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of Artemis. "Uh…why are you wearing half-rotted vegetables?" She glanced at Minerva. "Was it the garbage disposal again? You should get that thing fixed."

She turned back to Artemis. "Here's my bill. I don't usually work on Sundays."

Artemis looked down at the bill. "A bill for 5,000 dollars?! All you did was tell check the Bentley; you didn't have to replace the windshield or the tires…and we're family!"

Aphrodite raised an eyebrow. "We're third cousins twice removed. We don't share that much blood. I expect to see a check for 5,000 dollars by the end of the month." The door closed behind her.

Minerva looked at Artemis. He put the bill on the counter and walked towards the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower in one of the other bathrooms. Don't try to put anything down the garbage disposal this time."

Apollina Fowl jumped down the stairs and stared after her father. "Mother, did you turn on the garbage disposal while Father was attempting to fix the showerhead in my bathroom? Great; now I'm going to have to use another one until vegetables stop spurting out of the showerhead."

Minerva frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "Apollina Rebecca Fowl, did you and Artemis call Remus a white sheep?"

"We didn't mean it in a bad way."

"And how is it meant to be in a good way?"

"Well, he won't have a record by the age of sixteen, isn't that something? I think he takes after Aphrodite. In terms of personality, I mean."

"No, I don't think so. Aphrodite has a criminal record for hotwiring and stealing cars when she was fifteen." Minerva paused. "Don't tell her I told you that. No one will want her to fix their cars if they find out she may have once stolen them."

Apollina cocked her head. "How did anyone find out it was her? Father was always very careful about his schemes."

"Yes, dear, but people have the ability to notice when a car is missing, and your aunt didn't steal cars from other criminals. Well, a few, but mostly from innocent persons. I think the problem was that there were very few people around who could have done anything like that without leaving a mark. Besides, your father was twenty-two at the time and it was obvious to everyone that he didn't need to steal cars for the fun of it.

"Hmm…Aphrodite doesn't look the type to steal anything, much less someone's car."

"Well, not now. But as a teenager…well, let's just say her innocent looks fooled everyone within 500 miles of here. And, I'm sorry to say, I was one of them."

"Mother, she stole your car?"

"No, she started dating Beau just to spite me when your Father and I got engaged. Then she broke up with him. Poor Bobo was depressed for weeks. He didn't really get over it until his seventeenth birthday."

"It took Uncle Beau a _year_ to get over being dumped by Aphrodite? I need to get her secret! The woman's a black widow with two legs!"

"Apollina, we are_ not_ encouraging her teenage behavior. Thankfully, your aunt has grown out of it. I hope. A few weeks ago I thought I saw her kick a man in a very uncomfortable spot."

"Too much information, Mother." Apollina glanced at the bill on the counter. "Though I can safely say that her services don't come cheap. She's a smart woman."

"Where's your brother?" Minerva asked.

"Which brother, Artemis or Remus?"

"Artemis."

"He's either in his room on his laptop or in Father's study trying to decrypt the files on his computer."

"He's doing _what_?!" Minerva pressed a button on the bracelet on her right wrist. "Artemis, come down here this instant! I need to have a word with you."

A moment later, Artemis Fowl the Third was running down the stairs. He knew when it was a bad idea to keep his mother waiting. He glanced at his twin. "Thanks for ratting me out, Apollina."

Apollina shrugged. "Well, I can't lie to Mother if she asks me where you are. You know we're supposed to be honest little angels now that Mother and Father aren't criminals."

"Artemis, what were you thinking of, going into your father's study and into his personal property? He will hear of this when he returns from his shower."

"Is Artemis in trouble?" Remus appeared behind his mother. "Are you going to go with the old punishment again, 'no laptop for a week'? There's not much use in it since Apollina lets him use hers when he gets in trouble."

"Oh for heaven's sake! I don't understand it. You three will torment each other but when one of you is in trouble, the other two are instantly there with supplies!"

Remus stood between his older twin siblings and shrugged. "Hey, we're family. It's what we do."

Minerva left the kitchen immediately, ranting in French maniacally.

"Does this mean I still have my laptop for the week?" Artemis asked.

"Just don't remind her." Apollina advised.

Remus looked thoughtful. "So _that's_ why she wouldn't let us take French in school. She never does that in Spanish or Italian."

"Good thing we got that special language software when we were six. My goodness, Mother has a very colorful French vocabulary."


End file.
